March 8, 2014

Today was the worst I’ve felt in a while; about myself, about my life about everything. I can at this point say that I 95% fell off the Islam wagon and my thoughts are starting to scare me. Did you know that at one point I was excited for my 19th birthday so I could secretly drink away all of my problems, can you believe these thoughts came from me, because I knew I couldn’t and that scared me. I’m lost, this was supposed to be me finding my way but I’m completely and painfully lost. So I thought back to my hijab and the conversation I had with my soul sistaa yesterday. Her words, “Jump in, test the waters if you don’t like it, jump back out but just keep in mind it will take a bit of time so don’t be discouraged at the first sign of trouble.” She told me that this could be a reform this could be where I start rather than waiting until some miracle douses my soul in holy water and I come out clean and pure, this could be me working backwards. I could put it on to change because Lord knows I need a change. I told her that I’ve never honestly followed through with everything and she said then this will be my first. Monday is the day, I’m scared and excited but I know that I need this. I made up my mind so I won’t even think about it until monday when I’m out the door, I don’t need satan taking this away from me. She told me that if this wasn’t meant to be, these thoughts wouldn’t be so recurring. What makes me comfortable is knowing that it is necessarily permanent, yes I want it to be and I hope that it is, but it’s okay I can take more than one stab at it. So here we go, this is me not caring what people think. Another thing I should add, when my thoughts first came up I honestly wanted to attract a pious man, that was my intention, then it switched to making people around me happy and proud so I felt like these were all the wrong reasons. Today, I did some introspection and it was as if every bad feeling about it that I’ve ever had completely disappeared it was me and God and I knew that I had to pay my dues and I would due this by using the hijab as a barrier and in that split second it was me protecting myself from slipping even further down everything was clear and before my judgement could be clouded I decided that I was doing it for myself and for God. In that second it was me protecting myself and that was it, plain and simple. I know that it isn’t a magic garment that I’ll put on and fix everything with, I understand that and I’m prepared to make some changes and sacrifices. Most importantly, it will remind me that I’m a muslim and that makes all the difference I could have ever asked for. At this point I feel like God is holding satan back, so I need to do this now before he does away with my plans. Now for the questions, why did I do it? I’m still figuring everything out but to answer your question it just felt right. I didn’t like where I was in my life and I was just getting worse with everyday that passed so this will serve as a net and a reminder, a reminder that I am a Muslim first before everything else. Monday, March 10th, 2014, بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم.

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