This was bound to happen considering how I began. I want to take it off. Yes I know it’s only been two months but this doesn’t have to make sense to you, only to me. To me getting all defensive and trying to explain myself means I don’t know what I’m doing, so if anybody asks me what happened I’ll either explain or tell them it’s between myself and God. First off I’ll admit that I don’t feel the best spiritually right now, this was supposed to help me with effort of course but, I feel nothing. I feel more lost than ever. I feel like I don’t even know myself as a person and I feel like it would make more sense to try and figure myself out without the pressure of having to act and be a certain way. I’m lost and I’m fully aware that I am. This doesn’t mean that I’m leaving Islam, it just means that I need time to explore and learn and then make a decision because in all honesty I don’t feel like I did this for the right reasons. I wore it thinking I would find a husband and get married and complete my deen. I wore it thinking that I wouldn’t have to wait too long and that I would be in the arms of love within a few months. Love is always the motive. I digress, I wore it thinking that it would come with ease, everything, that I would be gifted with an identity. Identities are formed, through life and experience, never are they handed to you, and therein lies my mistake. This was wrong, it was all wrong. I took a leap thinking I would land somewhere soft only to find myself still waiting to land. This isn’t easy and may Allah forgive me for my intentions. I will come back, inshAllah, this isn’t permanent and my timing couldn’t be any more impeccable. Within Ramadan just around the corner, I’ll find motivation inshAllah, I’ll find solace in the masjid and I’ll learn and discover and understand before I take a step as grand as this. Sub7anAllah that something this beautiful can be so greatly tainted by perverted intentions. Maybe it’s my confidence that needs the work, maybe it’s my mindset, maybe it’s all Shaitan, all that I know is that I don’t know. People are going to talk, but just as with putting it on, I don’t have to warn anybody. I’m not going to be bad, I just don’t want to feel restricted at a time as confusing as this. I wish with all my heart I could go back and think about this more and consider all angels and dimensions but there is nothing I can do now and inshAllah all the best. I’m sorry mama, baba, friends and undoubtably the most important forgive me Allah, as you are the only one I should be apologizing to. I’m going to build myself, I’m going to understand myself, I’m going to love myself and I’ll be back soon inshAllah.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s