First day of summer and first day without a hijab. It’s been 3 months and 10 days and with half of that time kept in mind, nothing has changed. I still feel lost and for that my parents hate me. I made up my mind to try and help myself by helping my soul; soul searching. I’m going to try to be better but it’s hard when nothing makes sense anymore. InshAllah khair.

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This is a newer happier me. The exercise is really getting to me; my mind is clearer my thoughts are happier I’m more lively and energetic, I love it. It’s also FIFA season and I can’t even begin to explain how happy soccer makes me. I get kind of annoyed when other people, that I somehow have deemed unworthy, like it too, as if it’s my sport. One day at a time is the motto, I’m trying to care less by caring more about myself. 

self realization

I finally realized why I’m more interested in the idea of doing the things I love than actually doing them. Stick with me this is confusing it starts with me doing x activity (reading, writing, watching documentaries, movies, etc.) and then I fall into thinking about how much I love what it is that I’m doing, then I realize how much left that I have to do, how many pages I have left, how much longer I have to pay attention to said documentary, before I can tell myself I did it and then before you know it instead of paying attention, I’m thinking and thinking, thinking and thinking. I never immerse myself deep enough into the things that I love doing because I assume that my love for whatever it is, is deep enough to keep me locked in. I have to learn to live in the moment, a pretty grand realization but hear me out; it’s always when I think about something more than I pay attention to it that I lose myself, my interest. I tend to love these things so much that often times I tell myself to save them for later and to do them sparingly, but why, because when I do this I start losing interest. I love learning and watching documentaries and reading about philosophy, poetry, history, politics you name it. I love reading fiction and watching fiction based movies. I love exercising and making a difference. I need to learn to give my all and immerse myself fully.