self realization

I finally realized why I’m more interested in the idea of doing the things I love than actually doing them. Stick with me this is confusing it starts with me doing x activity (reading, writing, watching documentaries, movies, etc.) and then I fall into thinking about how much I love what it is that I’m doing, then I realize how much left that I have to do, how many pages I have left, how much longer I have to pay attention to said documentary, before I can tell myself I did it and then before you know it instead of paying attention, I’m thinking and thinking, thinking and thinking. I never immerse myself deep enough into the things that I love doing because I assume that my love for whatever it is, is deep enough to keep me locked in. I have to learn to live in the moment, a pretty grand realization but hear me out; it’s always when I think about something more than I pay attention to it that I lose myself, my interest. I tend to love these things so much that often times I tell myself to save them for later and to do them sparingly, but why, because when I do this I start losing interest. I love learning and watching documentaries and reading about philosophy, poetry, history, politics you name it. I love reading fiction and watching fiction based movies. I love exercising and making a difference. I need to learn to give my all and immerse myself fully. 

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