Something happened today. I fought my brother physically and mentally and I exploited his weakness that being kindness. It dawned on me that I’m insecure because I’m not happy with who I am, I don’t love myself because I’m not a good person. I’m rude and manipulative and have a strange way of showing the people I love, the people that can’t leave me that I love them, that I care, that I would collapse and fall apart if anything were to happen to them, that my entire being is contingent on them just solely existing. I love so much my God I love I love I love, but I get insecure showing this, I feel weak. I fear being alone so much that I find myself constantly testing the ones that will never leave me and the ones that are free to leave whenever, well I basically kiss their asses. I’m scared, I’m a scared person, always scared and afraid and anxious and contained how could I be loved, how could I ask for love when I can’t even love myself, when I won’t even love myself, not this way. I want to change but how do you change a whole 20 years worth of self loathing and hate and fear. How do I misplace this, how can I go about finding love and patience because to me that’s what beauty is. Beauty is apologizing when you’re wrong, knowing when to let the other person have it because you’re generous and caring so caring that letting your pride down is never an issue because there isn’t an ounce of pride in your heart. No black spots, no jealousy or hate or fear just love, red pulsating love, velvet soothing love. Love and beauty are one and the same. So how can I manifest this definition how can I embody it why is change so hard why

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