update

I met a guy. Or maybe I re-met him. Either way I’m into him, really so beautifully into him and all that comes with him. You really don’t choose who you fall for. I saw him every day this weekend and it was the greatest weekend of my life. I want him but I don’t know if he wants me I mean I’m sure he wants to fuck me, likewise, but I want him to want me in more than a physical sense. And then there’s the other guy. The one that has a girlfriend and keeps flip flopping with my emotions, the one who I think is one of the coolest people I’ve ever met but thinks it’s okay to treat me like shit when I’ve showed him nothing but love. I am too nice of a person, not only that I’m too concerned with other people and not enough with myself and I’m scared all the fucking time. Scared of messing up of not being good enough of commitment of becoming irrelevant of losing people. I’m scared of losing people which is why I put up with so much, which is why people think it’s okay to toy with me and I think it’s okay to let them. It’s fucking with my emotions, why can’t I love and respect myself, why are other peoples wants always put before my needs. What I need is peace of mind, I need love from myself I NEED MYSELF MORE THAN I NEED ANOTHER. Love love love.

nobody can help you through your quest for inner peace and understanding, its you against yourself, not the world just yourself and working through it may seem unfruitful almost as if you’re at war with yourself like you’re attacking yourself but you’re not, you’re scoring and working at yourself and developing yourself and loving, you are learning to love yourself and because of that you will never be at a loss with that it’ll be you and the world, never against no enemies no hatred because love purifies all that it touches

Something happened today. I fought my brother physically and mentally and I exploited his weakness that being kindness. It dawned on me that I’m insecure because I’m not happy with who I am, I don’t love myself because I’m not a good person. I’m rude and manipulative and have a strange way of showing the people I love, the people that can’t leave me that I love them, that I care, that I would collapse and fall apart if anything were to happen to them, that my entire being is contingent on them just solely existing. I love so much my God I love I love I love, but I get insecure showing this, I feel weak. I fear being alone so much that I find myself constantly testing the ones that will never leave me and the ones that are free to leave whenever, well I basically kiss their asses. I’m scared, I’m a scared person, always scared and afraid and anxious and contained how could I be loved, how could I ask for love when I can’t even love myself, when I won’t even love myself, not this way. I want to change but how do you change a whole 20 years worth of self loathing and hate and fear. How do I misplace this, how can I go about finding love and patience because to me that’s what beauty is. Beauty is apologizing when you’re wrong, knowing when to let the other person have it because you’re generous and caring so caring that letting your pride down is never an issue because there isn’t an ounce of pride in your heart. No black spots, no jealousy or hate or fear just love, red pulsating love, velvet soothing love. Love and beauty are one and the same. So how can I manifest this definition how can I embody it why is change so hard why